And You're Double-Bagging The Cans, Right?

Hannah Rushmore sent along this inspirational story of a man with a giant tumor obscuring most of his face. I, of course, was mean.



I do that because deep down, I'm a bitter, bitter person. And a much better cashier and bagger, to be fair.

Katie M. F. Gant.

Katie Gant is my All-Time Jam. Just sayin.

Speechless.

In honor of the 100th Anniversary of Mel Blanc's birth:

Well, There's Illegal Prisoners...

... and then there's Illegal Prisoners.

Could you repeat the question?

Just Because It's Badass.

According to /film, there's a new special series of screenings of Leone's "Man With No Name" flicks in Spain, with Quentin Tarantino in attendance.

Spain? Check.
"Man With No Name" Series? Check.
QT right there? Check.

Oh My Dear Sweet Jesus. If I find out there's a new series of posters to commemorate the event, I might just essplode all over myself.

Wait, do what now?




[gurgle gurgle...]

Holy. Schmoly.

Most awesome dance thing ever? This guy, on the audition show for "So You Think You Can Dance" -- most talented collection of folk on the Television, for my money. And this dude is insane:

East Side Fight Night - 5/30.

As always, Official East Side Fight Night gear available at CafePress.

Shut Your Hole, Dipshit.

Alongside his recent nonsense in the WSJ about Democrats not being able to tell the difference between America's friends and enemies, Joe Lieberman is now officially campaigning for John "100 Years" McCain, since he's the only one brave enough to keep meat-grinding innocent people in an illegal and immoral war. Awesome.



Bonus asshattery: even the old Lieberman was constantly seeking to score Conservative points by dragging folks in the movie, music, and video game fields in front of Congress to answer for their violent material. As if "Grand Theft Auto" has killed 4000 American soldiers and a hundred thousand Iraquis.

Ugliest Dog... Ever?

So there was some kind of "Ugliest Dog" contest on Animal Planet. (I found the link accidentally while Googling "psycho bitches.") I think Elwood was a big winner. Big, big winner.



To be fair, though, the owners that put that collar on him should be knife-raped in a Bangkok prison. But that's just my take on it. And my idea, should anyone try to take credit.

Please God Don't Let It Be A Booger.

Hey, you got something... no... other side...

Birthday Greetings, Half-Belated.

Or something like that. I'd check my Emily Post to get the correct terminology, but she'd only say something like, "Next time do a better job of Photoshopping out the background of the picture -- it looks like you took the forceps to poor Jacques' head!" Stupid Emily Post. What does she know about Photoshop? Nothing, that's what.



Happy birthday today (5/24) to Trish, and belatedly (5/16) to Jacques!

Closing Night of Assassins

Sometime tonight, curtain goes down on "Assassins." Maybe you've heard of it. Most likely, you're already working on it, and this is not exactly news to you. Whatever. I just want to give mad props (or is that "madd propz"?) to my fellow cast- and crew-mates, and to my all-time source of actorly inspiration.

Yes, sir, as a matter of fact, I am talking to you.

MAKE. MORE. COFFEE.

I weary of being nice and diplomatice about this. Be a friggin' grownup and make another pot of coffee, dammit.



So the image is from an upcoming Universal-released Russian movie called either "Wanted" or



depending on who you choose to believe.

It's about stone-cold killers. And office drones. And hot chicks and assassins and guns and violence and Russians and Morgan Freeman. In other words, another typical Friday for yours truly.

Trailer for the movie:
http://www.filmz.ru/trailer_rus/w/wanted_rustrailer3_hd480.mov

Picture inspiration and more info:
http://www.filmdrunk.com/post.phtml?pk=1812

If I Can't Take... My Coffee Break...

So, true story: not 10 seconds after posting yesterday's coffee-related rant, I got up and went to get a cup. Well into the work day, with lots of coffee drinkers around, no one had put on a pot yet. In any given week, I make the first pot 4 out of 5 days, and probably make 2 out of every 3 pots.

Another person walked around with her cup and saw me opening the carafe. "Oh, is it not fresh?" "No, it just doesn't exist yet, you stupid whore, because nobody but me seems capable of putting together the ingredients to make more of the shit!" Then I slapped her. Still a true story. I think. I hadn't had any coffee yet, so I'm a little blurry on the details...

Is It So Frickin' Hard, People?

Hey... I could go for another cup of coffee. SSSPPPPPPPPSSSSSPPPPPPP...

It takes all of 60 seconds to make a pot of coffee up in this piece. I guess some folks' 60 seconds are just more valuable than others'...

God Bless Mother Nature.

In fall-on-my-knees tribute to Megan and Katie's "It's Raining Men" from Dolan's last night, I offer up this:

Yeah, But I Prefer Their Early Stuff.

Just for Hannah Rushmore, since she seems to think that "Fat Macaques" would be the BEST BAND NAME EVAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR:

Fat Macaques Are Not Amused.

Not exactly timely, but sometimes you just have to wait for the Fat Macaque pictures to roll around, and keep your George Allen pictures tucked away in your pocket. You know, sort of the way George Allen keeps his head tucked away in his ass.

Yee Haw.

Hey, look -- we didn't invent the rule. We're just saying, is all.



PS: Does "Dubya" count as a name? 'Cause I'd say you could pin a lot more than one victim on him...

If Only You Hadn'ta Shot Him.

Poor Sirhan. Just can't catch a break in his parole hearings, seeing as how the one person that might speak up on his behalf is... well...



[Thanks to Alan for the inspiration on this one.]

I Knew There Must Be Some Reason.

What's funny is this: sometimes, when trying to explain to folks why I'm Pro-Choice, I have to say, regrettably, that some folks just aren't fit to be parents. And sometimes, the other side provides all the evidence I need.



As long as they don't hate us because we're beautiful...

Well. *At Least* Eight Hours.

Maybe You've Heard?

Is Brooklyn Really In The Hizzouse?

Something fun to do on a personal site (although probably not on a business site) is to examine your site tracking to see how many folks are visiting, and from where. So I look at mine on occasion (read: obsessively) and found that outside of Nashville, the next biggest source of views is from... Brooklyn? and Long Island City? Really? Is there a huge underground jackechambers.com readership up in the Lower Apple, y'all?

'Cause I gotta tell ya: That's pretty cool.

The Penis Wants What The Penis Wants.

More inspiration from the joyfulness that is "Assassins," as Artie Bremer, partial inspiration for Travis Bickle, gets dragged away after shooting George Wallace (and three bystanders) in 1972.

More Fun With Fat Monkeys.

Those monkeys denigrated the aesthetic appearance of a woman, causing untold damage to her already precarious body image, and they're not the pinnacle of fitness themselves! LOL!



In other news, Rush Limbaugh is still a total flaming douche.

Birthday Horoscope.

Part of the birthday tradition at our house was keeping the birthday horoscope from the local paper on the fridge, and seeing how it went for the coming year. We'll see how this one does (from The Onion):

A Cause I Can Totally Support.

As reported in The Onion on Monday, there is a nationwide movement of slicked-back-hair men rallying to decry the negative stereotyping shown in film and television casting:

According to statistics released by the organization, five out of every six characters with slicked-back hair are cast as the primary antagonist. Of this group, 29 percent are depicted as greedy and manipulative Wall Street sharks, 22 percent as cold, emotionless murderers, 19 percent as evil coaches or mentors, 12 percent as corrupt mafiosi, 8 percent as undead creatures who feast on human blood, and the remaining 10 percent fall into the general category of jerks/pricks/John Travolta.

That's What SHE Said.

The BBC posted this headline on one of their "science" "articles" (located here), and had the gall to insist that it was about "birds." As if we don't know that "birds" is Britisher Code for "chicks." Ha! Suck it, BBC!

You Say "Fat," I Say... REALLY FAT

Apparently, some "zoo" in "Orient-Land" has been letting folks "over-feed" the "monkeys" until they're "fucking huge."

In related news, I just found a piece of a Marathon Bar in my gut-folds. And they haven't made Marathon Bars in twenty-some years. Bastards.

Did Someone Mention A Birthday? Was That Me?

Party? Grille? You Know It.

Good buddy Eva Mendes was kind enough to do a retro glamor photo shoot for the Italian edition of Vogue, which a) is basically a Dario Argento Fetish Photorama, and b) just shows how much awesomer the Italian Vogue is than the wussified American edition.

The best news of all? The reason Eva did it was to promote my birthday party at the Grille. All the details below; e-mail if questions. You should be getting something in your in-box soon, unless you're a freak; in that case, check your out-box. [ba-dum-PSH!]

No "Captain & Tennille," Please

You livin' the Thug Life down in the swampz at Cool Springs, yo? True.

Election Coverage, Day Two

Speaking of things which, when belabored by the media, make we want to stomp puppies:



And now, let's move on to something substantive, shall we? Like, did you totally hear about Lindsay stealing that chick's coat?

OMFG! Big News! EXTRA!

... well, not in any places where they pay attention, necessarily. But, you know. In most places.

What, Too Easy?

Hey, they can't all be gold, right?

And what am I, proud? Anybody who knows me knows that I'm not proud of anything. Except, of course, my prize-winning Gerber Daisies.

I Could Be In Advertising!

Hey, let's face it -- most ads today are awful. Even the ones during the Super Bowl are pretty lame -- they're funny, sure, but a) they don't tell you anything about the product, b) they don't tell you why you should buy the product, and c) ten minutes later, you can't remember what product you were supposed to buy in the first place.

My theory of advertising:

1. Feature the logo and name prominently.
2. Tell me why I should buy it.
3. Remind me to buy it.



This is easy, really.

Bad. Effin. Ass.

Yes, please. Much more of this:

Kentucky Derby: Good News, Bad News

This is so like a line from "Glengarry Glen Ross" -- "Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired."

In the Derby, it turns out that not even second prize is good enough, baby.

Processing Error = No World Peace

This little gem popped up today on a page where I was doing a recipe search. I know what you're going to say, and yes, I do realize that there's more in the kitchen than just cookies and beer.



(There's also vanilla extract, if I can ever find it...)

Easy Test Question

Inspired by something on NPR this morning. Style and even some content totally ripped from Married to the Sea (marriedtothesea.com) -- this is called credit where credit is due, in lieu of actual payment.

New Evidence from Gash-Angering Party at 1211!

It turns out that all this misery could have possibly been averted.

As you all now know, during our "noisy party" a few weeks back there was a "situation" with our "neighbor" at 1213, who turned out to be a Total Gash (no quotes around that). The tragedy of it all is that it never had to happen: Party Bear tried to warn us in advance, but he seems to lack the focus required of a top-notch Party Monitor:



Maybe next time Sonny can assist in keeping us all in line.

Megan's 29th at the Hillwood Strike & Spare

Here's a link to the pix from Megan's 29th Birthday Party/Gathering over to your Hillwood Strike & Spare. (Or is is "Strike 'n' Spare"? I hope not.)

And, a highlight video moment:



Damn, that is frackin' cute.

"Assassins" T-Shirt Layout

Front:
Back: