Farewell To 2008. And Others.

Light on the posting, as I get ready for New Years. Consider me on vacation until next week, y'all.

Drive safe, have fun, Happy New Year, all that stuff.

Go Dawgs.

Peace.

Yes, Yes: The Rumors Are True!

Tom and Gisele are, indeed, engaged.

Happy Holidays, Bitches!

So, we're on the road to Charlotte (hey! hey! hey! hey!), and won't be back until next week. So I leave you in the capable hands of Dee Snider, who is sure to take good care of you while I'm gone.

PS: Yes, Pat Robertson, I said "Happy Holidays." That offend you? Blow me.

So Close... So Close...

Keep an eye on that counter over there, kids -- that's how much longer we have to wander in the desert before we start becoming a real nation again.

And hey, as long as we're going to pick someone to follow around, why not this guy? (Oh yeah -- we already did. SWEET!)

What? Want Home Field Advantage?

Why don't you drag your Mongoloid friends down here and try to take it, then?

No?

Didn't think so.

Ummm...

Okay, I'm not sure if this means that I've taken Too Much Drugs, or possibly Not Enough Drugs, but this is my new favorite commercial. I've seen it a hundred times in, umm... restaurants, so until this posting I had never heard the sound on it. But it's just basically the best commercial ever.

Other than that European one with the skydiving topless chicks, naturally...

More Letters.

One more exam down, which makes 5 out of 7 toward MCSE, and also means its very-own certification.

After all, we here at jackechambersdotcom are nothing if not secure.

Oh... So... Close...

I ain't gonna lie. I was hoping for exploding shoes. And he ducks the shoe, see, and then looks at the Iraqi guy all cocky and he's like, Ha! You missed! and then the Iraqi guy's all like, not so fast, dude, check it out, and then Bush looks behind him, and there's a blinking red light, and he's all like, Ahhh... Shi-

BOOM!

That shit would rule.

In the meantime, go check out www.superpoop.com -- the source of today's animated ohsoclose. It's from the good people who bring you ToothpasteForDinner, and NatalieDee, and MarriedToTheSea. They're funny. And they live in Ohio. And thus deserve not only our admiration, but also our pity.

'Night, Miss Page.

So beautiful, so interesting, such issues - Nashville's own Bettie Mae Page (1923 - 2008). Bettie Page died of complications from a heart attack on Thursday night.



Next time you're out on the town, kiss a rockabilly girl on the lips. Bettie would have wanted it that way.

And Now: Your Moment Of Zen.

Anyone? Anyone?

Hey -- stop me if you've already heard, but the economy is total shit right now. True story. Luckily, we have our finest minds working on this...

Now THIS Is A Border Conflict!

India and Pakistan hate each other, they always have, they think that their neighbors are infidels, they skirmish and outright war over disputed territory... they're a lot like SEC schools, in fact. But for reasons best known to themselves, they also have their border guards do ritual dances. Or something like that.

I'm not sure if "Ministry of Silly Walks" is the most impressive-looking way to boast of your superiority over your sworn enemy. I can only hope that they're dancing to Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" in this picture...

Do You Really Want To Hurt Him?

What's that you say? Suicide bombers and child-killin' and global warming and Georgia Reublicans not scary enough for you? You need something even SCARIER?

Try this one on for size:

Eh. Details.

Look, I don't believe in the Biblical claim of your forefathers, and your legal ownership of the land came only after it was quartered away from the people who were already living there. So, between that, and the fact that your own government has ordered you to vacate, and you're only sticking around out of holy spite? Um... yeah. Not so much with the sympathy.

Shit. There goes any chance in the world I ever had for elected office.

Dude, That Place Is A Fucking Mess. Seriously.

But hey, I can sure see why all the believers want to fight over it...

Which is to say, no, actually, I can't...

Goddammit, WKRN, You Take That Back. [UPDATED]

I should sue. For slander. Or libel. Whichever.




UPDATE: First they lie, then they put up a video with shitty code that doesn't seem to work. If you're up for a medium-sized chuckle, go to:

http://www.wkrn.com/Global/story.asp?S=9431597&nav=menu5_4_1

and click on the video link "Fans weigh in on Kiffin as UT's new head coach"

Then, for extra fun, do a Google Image Search for Kiffin's wife Layla. (Or just browse over to www.iwoulddolaylakiffin.com. I'm not even kidding.)

So... How's Everybody's Winter So Far?

Probably not as harsh as it is in Siberia, would be my guess.

Unless you live in Buffalo. That shit is just nasty.

Also, Because They Passed Prop 8.

And they wonder why that state gets punished so damn hard...

Yeah... Umm... The Terror...

So our Chief Execu-douche is on his way out of office, approximately 8 years too late. And he's got nothing for the crumbling economy, but plenty of folks left to send off to his unholy Holy War. Don't worry. I'm sure history will be kind...

This Thanksgiving...

I was thankful that my gashy next-door neighbor was off terrorizing some other neighborhood.

Amen.

Test #2 In The Books.

Here's proof that I passed Microsoft Certification Exam 70-270. It was hard. The final outcome was not pretty. But I passed, which is far-and-away the only thing that matters.



Want to read more about Microsoft Certification Exams? No you don't. Stop lying.

HOME!

Where do I want to go today, you ask?

My desk on the left, closest to the food table.

They set up a communal trough in the back of the room. I can graze through the snacks without actually turning around. It's fairly handy.

And Then, We Rested.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To the majority of U.S. citizens who made the heretofore unimaginable choice, thank you. To all the first-time voters, thank you. To all the volunteers, thank you.

And to all those from the other side who have been gracious in defeat and promise to look ahead in a spirit of cooperation, thank you.

To the rest of you? Get fucked.



jackechambersdotcom will go dark for the next 2 1/2 weeks. A couple days of rest, and then I'm off to 14 straight days of work-training -- 7 days a week, every waking hour, for two weeks. I'll be back here with something doubtlessly offensive come November 24th. While I'm gone, please enjoy the archives. And tell those strong-stomached friends of yours about us, so that we can manage more than, say 8 visits a day.

And? Cheers.

And? Thank you.

A Shocking Endorsement.

So, in NFL News:

The rest of the league can officially suck it. Eight and Oh, baby!

Boo, Bitches.

You afraid of the possibilities yet? No? You will be.

You... will... be...

To John From Vulture:

Hey. We had some good times together, right? Picking over the mutilated carcass of your former self-respect, dignity, and integrity, and selling whatever was left over to the GOP Fascist Machine? Yeah, I know: good, good times. But it's juuuuust about over, dude.

Wednesdays Are For Meetings. Zzz...

Often on Wednesdays (like today, for example) we have meetings at work. They are not enjoyable, not helpful, not productive, and not conducive to anything save juvenile snickering and the passing of notes. Note to management: No More Meetings.

Look, It's Just A Lot Of Plastic.

I mean, assuming that we *have* to buy all these plastic bottles... can't we just refill them maybe even once in a while? I mean, we're drowning in plastic, people. Drowning. Literally. I mean, even "literally" as it actually means, meaning, "literally."

Look, it's a lot of plastic. Is what I'm saying.

Ah... Optimism...

So Big John McCain continues to have faith in the Democratic Process, which at this point can only be explained by senility, painkillers, and the unshakeable belief that Karl Rove is going to somehow figure out how to once again thwart said Process. Whatever it is, I'm going to be pretty sad if there's not at least one more Patented John McCain Krazy Kook Meltdown between now and next Tuesday...

Everything Else Being Equal...

Hey! Did you hear the story about the financial services CEOs who felt genuine remorse for the way they ass-raped the entire American economy and every middle- and lower-class person therein?

No?

Yeah... me neither...

Just Saying.

Confidential to XXX at XXX:

Chill that shit out.
Before it gets chilled
the fuck out for you.

Crazy Tracy - Ow My Brain!

Crazy Tracy needs no introduction from the likes of me, and probably not from the likes of you.

Errr... enjoy...?



From "Now on PBS," forwarded by Hannah. Yikes.

Ah, The Mix Tape.

I was reading an article on the AV Club about making a mix tape with songs from cult movies, and was thinking about High Fidelity (the book, not the movie), and got to thinking about the greatest-ever advance in recording technology:

The fact that cassette tape degrades over time, and will eventually remove all evidence of our humiliating early endeavors in creating the soundtracks of our love.

Oy.

Now we'll just have to see how long CDs actually hold up...

Running Late... Too Many Cables...

It's a big, convoluted world we live in. If only we could safely rely on someone whose worldview seems to have been formed completely in a dirt pit 35 years ago, and who is proud of never having sent an e-mail.

Yeah... that would be awesome...

Ah Yes. The Give And Take Of Quality Debate.

Kids, barring an anti-miracle, it's all over but the shouting. And nowhere was that more obvious than in the last debate, which included such favorites as: We need to concentrate on what's important for our country right now! Like whether that guy that lives in that neighborhood was a terrorist, and how that makes Obama a terrorist!

Or my favorite: The people at McCain-Palin rallies do not say hateful things, and are great and patriotic Americans. Video and audio evidence notwithstanding.

At Least You Don't Live In Alaska.

While working on a user's computer the other day (just moments after being accused of trying to sell America out to the Muslims, whatever that means), I saw this mousepad, and realized that they had missed the most important part about what wolf-leaders do. Since wolves are leaders. Or leaders are wolves, which would explain a lot. I'm not really sure how corporate metaphor works anymore, to be honest...

"In Bloom" by Giampaolo Starship.

How badly were we robbed in a Rock Band competition at work a while back? So bad, that I don't even need to show you the other band's set -- just know that it was a boot-tread-ful of shite compared to ours.

They even railroaded us by having us go first, and by sabotaging our equipment, and still we shone. They can suck it.

We did get consolation prizes, though. So, whatever.

The Key To Internet Success?

Strateto-based humor. True story -- the kids today are all over it.

The Secret To Fake IDs:

Get one that's so confusing that the person checking it just takes your word for it, rather than spend so much time looking.

Or better yet, go out in public with me, and don't get carded at all! (Seriously?!)

For The Love Of All That Is Holy.

Beat. The. Vols.

Please.



UPDATE 10/13: Thank you.

Bonus Laziness!

Grateful. And Lazy.

Thank you so much to all the folks what came out last night to see "Chesapeake," my show at the Darkhorse. Plenty of opportunities for more folk to see it! Plenty of open seats! All the details at www.groundworkstheatre.com, a sight also maintained by yours truly, with all of the high-quality content and 70% less use of the "C" word.

In the meantime, yours truly is lazy and behind schedule today. Here's a vocationally-appropriate joint from Toothpaste for Dinner:


toothpastefordinner.com

First Cut From Our Rap CD.

Ladies and Gentlemen -- this is what happens when no one comes to a showing of "Chesapeake" -- I end up having too much time on my hands...

Snoop Dogg's "Who Am I," as covered by Jay-C feat. Clyde Dogg and Dubble-M

(Warning: NSFW lyrics - careful with the volume...)

PS: FWIW, this works really well in IE 8 and not so great in FireFox 3. Go figure.

PPS [UPDATE]: That may have been either a home connection or Vista issue -- FF3 works fine at work.

It's 'Bout To Get Nasty Up In This Piece.

By special suggestion from Hannah Rushmore, I present the Obama campaign's threat to the McCain camp, which I suggest is not taken lightly...

Cast Your Nets, Ladies!

I have seen some ladies desperate for marriage in my time. Lucky, most of them had their sights set elsewhere, or there were other issues, like they were saving their first kiss for the altar. Ha. Ha Ha. No, really.

I think this was supposed to be a precious "casual shot" for a wedding. Mostly, it just seemed dumb. Where's her tacklebox? I know about fishing.

Dear Ravens.

Did you like that? DID YOU LIKE THAT?!

Like my man Rip would tell you:

GET YOU SOME OF THAT!

The Year John McCain Jumped The Shark.

No one gets to use the term "Maverick" any more, unless either:

1. Referring to the Tom Cruise character in "Top Gun,"

2. Referring to the James Garner TV Western,

3. Speaking entirely ironically.

More Of The Same... More Of The Same...

Hey, it's a lazy week here, and if it's working for John "Did I Mention That I Was In A POW Camp? Because I Was" McCain, it'll work for me. I'm a Maverick! Whooo!

"Maverick." Right.

"But... he's a Maverick, see..." Thus the mantra of Sarah Palin's desperately stupid time-wasting fake answer when pressed by Katie Couric (!) to explain how a candidate who had spent his entire career pushing for deregulation was suddenly a regulatory champion. Sides with Bush on over 90% of all votes for the last 8 years? Changed his stance on every meaningful issue in order to court the GOP/Fundamentalist base? Named a running mate with no qualifications, just to re-assure said Fundamentalists? Adopted not only the same campaign strategies, but the same campaign personnel that he decried as "evil" and "intolerant" just two campaigns ago?

Right. Maverick.

Thanks, But No Thanks.

What's that? Would I care to chip in a couple extra thousand dollars so that the taxpayers can buy up the bad debt in the financial market Crap-a-thon? You say it would work out to roughly $4000 per taxpayer, is all?

No thanks: I already gave at the office:

Hey... That Looks Familiar.

Some call it laziness. I call it Green Web Comics -- see how I recycle the content? And even the text is made from biodegradable soy-based pixels.

Hey. You don't judge me.

Mmm... That's Good Accountability...

So the same geniuses who fought and scratched and mocked and bludgeoned their way to completely deregulating the banking and investment industries have now given us... well, maybe the single biggest self-inflicted ass-rape of all time. But not to worry, because... look! In the sky! It's SUPER AMERICAN TAXPAYER!

Hey! Anyone for some more upper-class and corporate tax cuts, while we're at it?

Ahhh... The Colors Of Fall...

The season when everyone breaks out their finest collegiate colors, even the ones that make them look like radioactive pumpkins. Well... the splattered guts of radioactive pumpkins.

Yuck.

Only If You Jump Without A Parachute.

So, yeah. Wall Street. Too big to fail, and now the latest bailout is going to come in to the tune of close to a trillion bucks. But it's okay -- we got rid of those pesky requirements that there be some kind of transparent bookkeeping... or corporate accountability... or, Heaven Forbid, a cap on executive salaries. So, while you and me are footing the bill on our salaries, there will be no cap on the salaries or Golden Parachutes for those who ran the sector into the toilet and now get to bail.

I say we offer them all Golden Showers, instead. And lots and lots of cockpunching, of course.

Dear Heisman Voters (#2):

It's A "Post" About "Politics."

First, John McCain admitted that he wasn't an expert on economics. Fair enough. But after saying some dumb things about economics, he was pressed on that admission, which he then denied. Vehemently.

And yet, every quotation from his piehole is like a footnote to that earlier one. So he'll be concentrating on foreign policy. As long as he can figure out where Spain is, that is...