Who Was A Good Boy?

Johnny Sisco was a good boy at his first-ever Nashville Roller Girls bout. He even smiled pretty for this picture:

So, How's Your Job?

Ummm... Yes Please.

Big Lebowski-style Last Supper poster.

True story.

Yes, duh, I want.

So What's Up Next?

Exactly. "What," by Trish Crist, will open this Friday and run June 5-13 at the Darkhorse Theater. Shows are this Friday and Saturday at 7:30pm, Sunday at 2:30 pm, and next week Wednesday through Saturday at 7:30pm. There's some cursing and some drinking, and probably some implied sexing. Also, non-violent, but very foul-mouthed videogame playing. And Jack, on the guitar. Why are you still reading this and not calling for reservations already? Sheesh!

Call 397-7820 or e-mail rhubarbnashville@gmail.com. All tickets $12.

Um, Yeah... It Got Noisy...

Sorry. More sports? Hey -- when your favorite teams enters the ranks of the immortals in the biggest event it its thing, then we'll talk more about that. Not sure what's going on? I'd be happy to discuss it.

In the meantime, let's just expand an earlier "Suck it, London!" yell to include all of England. And Christian Ronaldo, too. I hate that little bitch.



Link will take you to the home page of my beloved FC Barcelona. They won a big championship. Blah blah blah soccer blah blah championship blah blah whatever.

39? Really? Daaaaaaaaaaaang.

In honor of the Big 3-9, I give you the most famous OTHER 39-er from Georgia, James Earl Carter hisself, the Big Jimmy.



And in honor of the Big Jimmy, I present to you SNL's "Ask President Carter."



Come party with us at the Grille on Friday AND Saturday. In the meantime, just mellow out the best you can, okay?

Party? More Like ParTEEZ.

'Sabout that time of year again -- mosquito season, baseball All-Star Game ballot-stuffing, free-range annoying teenagers on the streets instead of in school... and the annual liquor-fueled debauchery that descends on Sportsman's Grille in Hillsboro Village. Come be a part of it, won't you?

Even better, it's a two-night deal!
Friday 5/15: Happy Hour at Grille 4-6, then Sounds game at 7. Tickets to game HERE.
Saturday 5/16: Party at Grille 12-6, then NRG bout at 7. Tickets to bout HERE.

Nice Stadium. For Us To Take A Poop On.

I was reading an article last week about how the term "rape" was getting devalued to mean any kind of victory, and how that was bad, and yet there's really no other way to describe what my beloved blaugrana did to Real Madrid right there in front of their own family members. For those keeping score (and that's probably just me), Barca's 6 goals were the most scored by a visitor since 1950. Ka. Bam. And no matter what happens Wednesday, Chelsea still sucks.



PS: Confidential to "Lane." Yes, it's sports. It is what it is. ;)

No More Facebook Quizzes. Ever. After This One.

I'm sorry, but I just don't care "Which Variety of Cap'n Crunch Are You?", okay? (Answer: Original. Duh.)

It's Either This, Or Something About My Gash Neighbor.

But I will just say that Baby-Punching Day, which is Saturday, is in danger of getting replaced by "Punching-My-Gashy-Ass-Neighbor-In-Her-Goddamn-Gash-Face Day." Just saying.

Itz A Dulimma LOL.

Best. Penguins. EVAR.

Superpoop is a photo comic by Drew, creator of Toothpaste for Dinner and other amazingness.

Like the below, quite simply the most amazingawesome thing ever, at least other than the news that our back deck project is actually going to happen.

Please to enjoy:

Remind You Of Anyone?

No, not really, because here the cat is just silently judging, not angrily denouncing. Still: did I mention that my neighbor-lady is a total gash? Because she is, you know.



Thanks to Auntie Em for the pass-along!

Marry Me A Few More Times.

Just a reminder that the GroundWorks / Boiler Room co-production of "Marry Me a Little" continues at the Darkhorse Theater through Saturday, March 21. You should probably come see it. All's I'm sayin.

Again With The Coffee? Yes, Again.

If Anyone Needs Me, I'll Be In My "Branch Office."

Go. See. Discuss.

See these lovely people below? That's my better half Megan Murphy and our other third Mike Baum. They're in "Marry Me a Little," which opens March 10, which is... umm... tonight. 5 shows at the Boiler Room Theatre in Franklin, then 4 nights at the Darkhorse Theater in Nashville. All the details at www.groundworkstheatre.com. Please go see this show, and keep us all off the breadlines.

Today's Computer Game.

From the enterprising time-wasting folks who inhabit facebook (ahem)... an almost-automated process to put together your new band and first album!

1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random” or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to "Random quotations" or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use PhotoShop or similar to put it all together.

And if you're lucky, you might get this:

Yes. And Make It A Double.

Dude. Bring on Happy Hour.

Up-to-Date Bumper Stickers.

I can't decide whether the lady that drives this car is a raging dipshit or just seriously behind on her Fox News. Or possibly both. And there's always the possibility that she's just all retro-y, like the hipsters that populate East Nashville. After all, the two main stickers would seem to be all circa-2008-ish -- before Barack Obama was The President of the United States of America, and back when the Bush Administration all but nationalized the banking industry.

There's also the possibility that she should check out the Intrawebs. I've included a handy link, below.



PS: I saw this lady get out the car today. I swear to you -- Kathy Bates in "Misery."

PPS: Remember when even disagreeing with the President meant you were a Godless Traitor who hated America? Where does "refusing to acknowledge the sworn Commander in Chief" rank on that scale?

PPPS: Fuck George Bush.

Happy Valentimes!

[courtesy Natalie Dee -- nataliedee.com]

It's A Stressful Time. Don't Make It Worse.

Just sayin.



Thanks to Auntie Em for the pic. Fight The Power.

Ah Yes: The Master Of The Video Conference.

Given Senator Bill Frist's... err... spotty record with videoconferencing, you'd think that he and his handlers would do everything possible to keep him away from webcams, at least in public. And in that, you would of course be mistaken.

The Vanderbilt University home page shows a rotating series of pictures and links about new and exciting things that are going on around the campus, everything from real-live researchers working to make the world a better place to stylish students absorbing the "Vanderbilt Atmosphere" (tm) to disgraced public figures who have jettisoned any medical credibility they ever had taking part in public relations events in an attempt to stay relevant.

Buy. This. Album.

Dammit.

Melinda Doolittle's record has finally "dropped," according to all the "dope" "homeys" who keep me updated with such news. I downloaded mine from Amazon yesterday. Very cool old-school soul/R&B thrown all up in that piece. Worth it for the throwback album cover all by itself, kids.

You can order the real-live physical CD (and other swag) from melindadoolittle.com, or jump straight to the Amazon download page. See how helpful I am?

To-Do List.

After you finish snacking, go over to www.groundworkstheatre.com and check out the details on "Marry Me a Little," which opens March 10, and will run for a week at the Boiler Room Theatre in Franklin and a week at the Darkhorse Theater in Nashville.

Cheap and easy. Just like... you guessed it...

Something Else That Is Cool.

So, if you're going to be covering a historic-type Inauguration event, might as well document it in a historic-type way, right? Photographer David Bergman took his Canon G10 digital camera -- itself no slouch -- and hooked it up to a device called the Gigapan, which basically automates the process of making manymanymany quick photos of everything in sight, so that you can use software to stitch those manymanymany snaps into one ginormous panoramic shot. The result?

My final photo is made up of 220 Canon G10 images and the file is 59,783 X 24,658 pixels or 1,474 megapixels. It took more than six and a half hours for the Gigapan software to put together all of the images on my Macbook Pro and the completed TIF file is almost 2 gigabytes.

Oh, snap.

What's particularly fun is the timing on this one, as Obama speechifies, Clarence Thomas nods off at early nap-time (no references in the speech to pubic hair, I suppose), and Regime Change Victim GWB makes an unpleasantly sour face. I know. I was shocked, myself.



Go check out the photo on Bergman's site to see a pan-and-scan-able version that you can zoom in on, or even order a print of. Whoa.

Boo!

You know what's stupid and silly and inevitably pointless, and yet still awesome?

The fact that your mom just won't. stop. calling. me.

Also?

"My Bloody Valentine 3-D" -- easily the best 3-D horror movie of the year so far. Basically everything you need in trashy, exploitative horror movies -- plus in 3-D. Really, you can't go wrong.

And on the horizon? Almost-assuredly crappy and yet gruesome remakes of "Friday the 13th" and "Last House on the Left." Crazy world, yo.

Anyone Up For More Doggy-Style?

Of course you are. Go see "Chesapeake," in a revival production at the Boiler Rooom Theatre in Franklin. Now with 85% more lobby concessions and more-easily-accessed restrooms! And a bar, right next door! Yay! It's a belated Festivus miracle!

In the meantime, on the subject of dogs...

Snoop Dogg's "Who Am I," as covered by Jay-C feat. Clyde Dogg and Dubble-M

Friendly reminder: Turn down the volume!

The Address.

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

It's A Beautiful Day, Y'all.

PS to GW: Don't let the door hit you on the way out, hear?

Best PETA Ad Ever?

I'm torn over my feelings about PETA: I favor having dogs spayed or neutered, but yet I enjoy Cruelty-Raised Veal. And while I don't believe in the idea of comparable rights for animals, I do appreciate the ads where the women get naked rather than wear fur.

What can I say? I'm a very complex person.

Thank You, Mister Roarke.

Hey, I know that there's no such thing as Corinthian Leather. And I know that fantasies don't really come true in an Aaron Spelling TV Show, unless your name is Tori, and that fantasy is to buy a new nose and have guys who are out of your league fight over you.

But I also know that a middle-aged Mexican guy was one of the premiere and prototypical badasses from my younger days. When he was past 60, Ricardo Montalban was still entirely believable as the genetically-engineered swath of destruction called Khan Noonien Singh, still waiting for his shot at vengeance against James Tiberius Kirk. Montalban was capable of suave and crazybadass with equal aplomb, and seemed like he might have been a cool cat in addition.

In other news, we had Mexican food for dinner the other night. Mmm... cheesy!