Suck It, Germans.

So, yeah, I'm pretty psyched that at least one sporting event has gone my way this year. Spain owned Germany for all 94 minutes of action in Vienna yesterday, just like they owned every other team thrown their way. They finished the Championships 6-0-0 and only allowed 3 goals against in 6 matches. They beat Russia by 3 goals twice.

How long has it been? The last time Spain won the Euro championship was 3 years before we started playing Super Bowls. Holy Shit.

So The Water Should Be...

...Knee-high by the Fourth of July? Higher? Oh, shit -- that's the corn. Nevermind then.

Bring On The Germans.

Seeking to drag out my Eternal Hopefulness one more day, Spain crushed the Russians -- AGAIN -- to reach the Euro 2008 Finals v the Evil Germans, led by that guy from HBO's Entourage. Naturally, Spain's leading goal-scorer went down with a calf injury and won't be available for the Final. Assume I'll be drinking heavily in front of the TV on Sunday.

Righteous Gun KillKillKill Poster. Kill.

The new DeNiro/Pacino joint "Righteous Kill" is on the way. I love me some Bobby D, but I register a solid "Meh" about the movie. But the movie's tagline does give me a chance to work in my favorite thing to say to crying babies in restaurants. Other than "Who's mommy's tragic little mistake?"

Shit.

Ah well, Second Place may be First Loser, but I didn't see UT anywhere in the field of 8 in Omaha... or in the Super Regionals... or in the Regionals... hmmm...



All credit to Fresno State -- that was one hell of a run, and they deserved to win. Yeah. I said it. Caps off.

I Feel Like I'm Forgetting Something.

Megan's Dad passed along some breathtaking pictures from the "Space Shuttle," which "supposedly" takes "man" into "space." Riiiiiiight... Or to the "moon," maybe. HAH! (See? I roll my eyes and dismiss it, and it's like a refutation! Like the Republicans do to Obama? Get it?)

Where'd You Two Go On Your Honeymoon?

Ba-dum PSH!

Seven Dirtiest Words Ever.

George Carlin Died Of Natural Fucking Causes.

Something That Is Funny. And Stupid.

Here about the seemingly-benign "fist bump" which may have sinister terrorist undertones? Yeah, me neither. Probably because there's no such thing.



Ten bucks says Ol' George totally hit that.

Something That Is Not Cool.

Cyd Charisse, the most beautiful woman to ever dance in the movies, is dead. Fuck.





The "Brigadoon" clip is subtitled in Italian. Why? Dafucktoiknow? Dafuckouttaheah!

Something That Is Cool.

Friend-by-way-of-Megan-from-UMissery Scott Laurie is leading a pretty damned charmed life. He's absurdly good-looking, funny as hell, a snappy dresser, and his job involves web-surfing and writing for The Colbert Report. In the meantime, he rolls out of bed in his 70s porn star shorts, pins some green onions on his shirt, and does comedy videos, like this one, with Dan Levy. (There's a funny skit with the host and two black guys; none of those people are Scott. He comes later.)

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

You Know What Sucks?

The man featured in this clip, Harvey Korman, is dead.



And the man who created and/or built these creatures:

H.R. Giger's "Alien," The T-1000, "Jurassic Park"'s dinosaurs, the "Small Soldiers," "Predator," the aliens from "Galaxy Quest," "Mimic," "The Thing" (1982),

Stan Winston, is dead.



And in the meantime, Michelle Malkin, who tells us that people who wear neck scarves that look too much like a keffiyeh (like Rachael Ray in a Dunkin' Donuts ad) are implicitly or explicitly anti-Semites and support the destruction of Israel and hate America, is still alive. WTF?

In related news, I will still absolutely punch Rick Santorum right in his fucking face. And the fact that he has now survived both Harvey Korman and Stan Winston gets him two extra shots to the nuts. That's the law.

Right... You're Gonna Need A Lot More 2x4s...

From the MSNBC Pictures of the Week comes the [ahem] inspirational story of this literal believer, in the process of building his own collection of animals for a modern-day ark. I certainly hope that none of the animals turn out to be carnivores, or that he's considered how to build in separate living spaces... or how silly the idea is... or whatever...

Just Take The Rest Of The Year Off, Huh?

Kids, I'll be off with Mom to the woods all this coming week, so no top-notch hi-tech heirlook-quality entertainment for you and yours to share. Right, right, so what else is new. Ha. Beat you to it.

I'll be back and at least somewhat-active on June 16. Also, I'll try to send some pix from on the Appalachian Trail, Unicoi State Park, and Helen, Georgia, where we'll be passing our hours in peace and tranquility. And bikers.

Sadly, not everyone will just go away for the week -- I'll be facing bears and snakes, and you'll be left with Executive Douchebag. Your loss, kids.



PS: The remote postings will look a lot like this one -- only hopefully not sideways. You will, however, probably get a lot of Sprint-generated text. Consider that to be bonus material.

Now Showing!

Mike and Shane and Douglas bring you the whole dealio, down at the Boiler Room, starting tonight!


Follow the link to the BRT site for all the details and to purchase tickets.

Also currently onstage: Rhubarb Theatre's "Last Chance Texaco" and "First and Second Timothy" (featuring our very own Trish Crist and Lane Wright), at the Darkhorse Theatre. Now through June 21; call 385-3551 x3 for details and reservations.

Yeah... Not So Much With The Waiting...

What's all the rage with the kids these days? Not doing anything you'll regret later. Like wearing stupid sweatpants proclaiming how pure you are... with writing on the crotch and ass.



In the meantime, we'll all pay into government-funded programs that teach our schoolchildren, among other things: HIV can be contracted through sweat and tears, that touching genitals can result in pregnancy and that a 43-day-old fetus is a thinking person... True Story. Fuck.

Hey, Don't Blame Me.

I didn't invent any of the words appearing below. I just put them in the correct, most offensive order. And in my defense, I did raise Lucy's rates, which should count for something, right?

Right?

I Am Jack's Built-In Test Market For This Movie.

So... is it too early to marry this movie, sight-unseen?

That Was Way Harsh, Humpback.

Oh, snap -- soun like somebody just say summah bout somebody momma.



It's hard to feel all that impressed with our opposable thumbs, after he plays the "7-foot cock" card like that.

Well, maybe hard for *you*, that is. Me, I'm hangin' in there.

Bo Diddley, RIP.

As someone might say, we lost one of the greats today -- Ellas Otha Bates, remembered always in the badass 5/4 beat that bears his name. Shit.



Here's an awesome twofer from 1966:

No, I'm Serious. Right In His Fucking Face.

Hey, everybody's entitled to an opinion. Some are grounded in reason, some in logic, some in empirical evidence. And some in blind, stupid, asinine, unwavering douchebaggery. Those are the kind that the good people of Pennsylvania put in the U. S. Senate, apparently.

Hey, Who Doesn't Like A Happy Ending?

Whales got needs, baby. Alls I'm sayin.